Moosepie and Love in the Age of Apocalypse
by linkinparkfangirl
Summary: A romantic science fiction supernatural Supernatural fanfiction about Castiel, Sam, Dean, Robot-Sams, Drunk Gods and Samandriel as a Canadian.
1. Arc 1, Chapter 1 - The one with intro

**Chapter 1: **The one with the intro

Once upon a time, a very drunk God decided that he would bake a pie. So he baked a Castiel. And he saw that it was good. But then Castiel decided that he liked bestiality, so he left heaven to have sex with Canadians and moose. That's how he met Sam.

This angered Gpd so much, that he decided to kill all humans, and so he flooded the world and everyone almost drowned. Everyone except Castiel and Sam who drifted around on a raft and had lots of gay moose-sex and butt-loving adventures. One day they sailed into another raft, which had the most adorable princess-looking little-wittle boyguy on. They called him Dean, and then they had a threesome with him. They came in his green eyes, and then they realized that if they showed God Dean-darling, perhaps he would unflood and unkill everyone.

They travelled to Australia on their raft, and they met a dragon. Dean's green eyes killed the dragon, and then they had sex with the dragon, and then they had sex with each other. Then God got angry and decided to kill them, but when he saw the beautiful green eyes of Dean, he changed his mind and decided to let them live. But suddenly Sam got moose-AIDS and died and Castiel was very sad. But then Dean made a pie and Castiel and Dean lived together forever more.


	2. Arc 1, Chapter 2 - In which plot occurs

**Chapter 2**: In which plot occurs

_A YEAR LATER…_

Dean and Castiel lived in a mansion on top a mountain where they raised horses and moose and baked pies made out of horse and moose. Castiel was very sad that Sam was dead, but then one day Sam came back as a robot. "ROBOT-SAM MY BEST FRIEND" Castiel shouted, and then they had sex. But then Robot-Sam said "I HAVE TO GO MY PLANET NEEDS ME", and then he rode into the sunset on another dragon. Castiel became very sad and killed himself. Dean cried a lot, and wanted to kill God very dead. So Dean built a moose who could fly and flew to heaven. When God saw Dean's freckles, he immediately wanted to have sex with him, but since homosexuality is a sin, God turned into a women, but suddenly Dean didn't want to have sex anyway. "MANxWOMAN IS UNNATURAL AND A SIN!" he cried, and then he left heaven. Little did he know that Sam was waiting outside heaven, and he attacked Dean who was riding on a flying moose, and they fought and Dean died when the dragon and moose decided to have sex in the middle of the air. Sam fell too, but didn't die since robots can't die.

Dean woke up in heaven, and he saw Castiel and was happy. "FINALLY WE ARE TOGETHER DEAN" Castiel said, and Dean's freckles lit up like a million stars on the sky above them. They had sex again, and never worried about evil Robot-Sam every again.


	3. Arc 1, Chapter 3 - And now, dwarves

**Chapter 3: **And now, dwarves

_MANY MILLION MOMENTS LATER_

"YOU HAVE TO PAY RENT MOTHERHUMPER" whispered God to Castiel and Dean. Castiel and Dean looked horrified, because they had no money. Only pie and books on raising moose. And they really friggin hated moose. "I HAVE A BUNCH OF DWARVES WHO YOU NEED TO KILL" whispered God to Castiel and Dean, and they didn't dare say no. So they went off to the big mountain near heaven, where they fought using all kinds of kung fu.

The first dwarf was called Smokey and he was a drug-using dwarf. They killed him by destroying his drugstash.

The second dwarf was called Pregancio and he was a dwarf who got girls pregnant. They killed him by impregnating him.

The third dwarf was called Patrick and he was an Irish dwarf. They killed him in unknown ways, because nobody can say anything funny about the Irish.

The fourth dwarf was called Lucas and it was a very homosexual dwarf. They killed him by forcing him to have sex with a girl.

The fifth dwarf was called Redundancy and it was a very boring dwarf. It was so boring it never died.

The sixth dwarf was called Andy and it was emo and scene and goth and a huge fan of Black Veil Brides. They killed him by liking good music instead.

The seventh dwarf wasn't a dwarf at all, but it was actually ROBOT-SAM who kicked Castiel in the face and kidnapped Dean. Sam proceeded to have non-consensual sex with Dean many times as they flew away on yet another dragonmoose.

Castiel swore that he would finally kill Sam one day, and that he would never go to a dwarf-infested country again.


	4. Arc 1, Chapter 4 - The Man Called Canada

2014 YEARS AFTER THE BIRTH OF BABY-JESUS.

"CASTIEL MAH BOI" whispered God, "YOU HAVE FOUGHT MANY BAD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE, BUT NOW IT IS TIME FOR YOUR ULTIMATE FIGHT. IN ORDER TO KILL ROBOT-SAM AND HIS ARMY OF MOOSE-MINION-AIDS-CARRIERS,YOU MUST GO TO CANADA AND YOU MUST KILL THE MOST POLITE MAN IN THE WORLD: SAMANDRIEL".

"Who?" asked Castiel.

"SERIOUSLY MAH BOI, HE'S BEEN IN SEVERAL EPISODES. HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?"

"Right… right…" sighed Castiel and he used his sparkling wings to fly to Canada.

In Canada, he quickly found Samandriel's house and knocked on the door.

"Oh hello Castiel!" said Samandriel when he opened the door, "please come in, my cat just had many new kittens and I was having tea and pie to celebrate. Would you like to join? I really enjoy talking to people!"

Samandriel smiled so much and was so happy that it made Castiel sick. The tea tasted so good that Castiel got sick. The pie was made with so much love and care that Castiel got sick. The kittens were so cute and so dependent on their mother's love that Castiel got sick. Eventually Castiel got so sick that he pulled out a magic angel sword of sorts: "I'm sorry Samandriel, but your name is too close to my archenemy's, and I'm doing this for Dean". Castiel began crying and Samandriel began crying and the kittens began crying too. Eventually Castiel decided that he couldn't kill the world's politest man when suddenly Robot-Sam burst through the wall and killed Samandriel and the mothercat, right in front of all the kittens and Castiel. It was extremely shocked.

Sam laughed evilly and said "I have had so much sex with Dean, you wouldn't even believe it! I came on his freckles. HIS FRECKLES DANG IT!".

Castiel fired his gun and hit Sam, but Sam just laughed and flew away again.

"DAMN IT MOOSE-RIDING-ROBOT-SAM! I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KILL YOU!" Castiel shouted.

Castiel looked at the dead body of the cat and Samandriel. He hated himself for not stopping it, and he realized that he had to take care of the kittens. Suddenly he saw Dean stand right in front of him. He happily said "Hello, Dean".

But it wasn't Dean. It was Bizzaro-Dean.

TO BE CONTINUED…!


	5. Arc 1, Chapter 5 - Spoiler Alert: Dean

TWO SECONDS LATER

Bizarro-Dean and Normal-Castiel stared at each other. Castiel was confused; he kept looking at Bizarro-Dean and thinking the whole thing was bizarre. Bizarro-Dean had blue eyes and NO freckles. In contrast, Castiel was kinda naked. Castiel walked over to kiss and hug and cuddle with Bizarro-Dean, but Bizarro-Dean pulled out a Bizzaro-Angel Sword and stabbed Castiel. Fortunately Castiel didn't get hurt or die, because people only die when God kills them.

"OUCH! Why did you do that Dean-darling?!" shouted Castiel angrily.  
"I… I… I stabbed you?" mumbled Bizzaro-Dean-darling.

"You are NOT allowed to stab things! Only angels are!" shouted Castiel even more angrily.

"Well, I AM a bizzaro version of Dean, so I don't really care about the rules…" mumbled Bizarro-Dean-darling-angel-sword.

"WELL DARN YOU! PREPARE TO BIZZARO-DIE!" shouted Castiel angriliest.

Castiel and Bizarro-Dean proceeded to have a stabbing duel where they kept stabbing each other repeatedly until someone collapsed. That someone was Bizarro-Dean who quietly sighed as he hit the floor.

"Castiel… Dean lives. He's being molested by Robot-Sam and his Rape-Moose in their secret hideout in Canada. But you will never get to stop him, because I AM DA BOMB!"

Suddenly everything turned black, and Castiel was floating in the middle of Outer Space. Giant fighting robots from Japan flew around and shot lasers at each other and it generally looked extremely awesome. You should have been there. Bizzaro-Dean's voice sounded in the vast nothingness of space "This is how the world will end, when Robot-Sam decides to fight God to control the Universe. It's a shame you won't be there to see it…"

A giant explosion ripped through time and space and everything turned black for Castiel once more. Bizzaro-Dean thought he had killed Castiel, but he forgot that angels only die when God feels like it. Castiel woke up in heaven and a familiar voice whispered to him:

"AGAIN? COME ON SERIOUSLY? MAH BOI, I AM DISAPPOINT."

God then sighed and facepalmed.


	6. Arc 1, Chapter 6 - In which more plot

A WEEK LATER, IN HEAVEN

"AND THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. ANY QUESTIONS?" whispered God.

"Only one" objected Castiel, "How the heck does that make any sense?"

"WELL YOU SEE, I'LL EXPLAIN IT AGAIN MAH BOI"… and then God proceeded to explain the plot:

Once upon a time, pie was baked and pie was good. Then Castiel ran away to have sex with mooses, and Sam was born. Sam was not good so God gave him moose-AIDS. When he saw how that sad Castiel was, he rebuilt him as a robot and gave him magic powers. As God is all-powerful and could see anything, he eventually saw that Robot-Sam would go on to invent Japan and build many large robots which could kill God. So God instructed Castiel on how to fight Robot-Sam, but as Castiel had failed everything he tried, the prophecy had come true and now there were two Deans. The only way to stop this, was to travel backwards in time to un-robot and un-dead Sam before he could get AIDS and invent of course, would be near-impossible, since there now existed a time travelling Bizarro-Dean AND a robot-Samandriel who was very angry about getting killed, but at the same time incredibly polite. Nonetheless, Castiel and Dean had to go and save the multiverse from a certain moose-related tragedy.

As the gay couple stepped into Gods time travelling machine thing, they quickly decided to have sex one last time. Just in case they both mysteriously died on their suicide mission.


	7. Arc 1, Chapter 7 - Doctor What?

AROUND A YEAR EARLIER, WE'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE.

Castiel, Sam and Dean was drifting around on the Endless Ocean of God's Untimely Wrath on their trusty, when suddenly a huge flash of light blinded pretty much everyone, except the whale that circling the raft because whales are cool and of course wear sunglasses all the time.

Castiel, Sam and Dean stood in amazement and stared at their new best friend: Future-Castiel. But before they could discuss the intricacies of time travel, the theological and philosophical aspects of God applying time travel, and the sheer strangeness of having two Castiels , they needed to have sex first.

It was an absolutely incredible squaresome… quadsome… foursome? No, it was an incredible almost-orgy, but that's beside the point. They had sex. And then they had sex again.

After all the hot sexing, the three of them sat down and discussed the world-threatening situation of Robot-Sam. Dean did not join in because he was busy baking pie.

"So let me get this straight" said Sam, "because I died of moose-AIDS, I turned into a robot who would go on to conquer the world?" Future-Castiel nodded and continued "And if you were to avoid the moose-AIDS somehow, Robot-Sam would quite simply never happen!"

Sam was elated to hear that, and quickly promised that he would sleep with anymore moose ever again, thusly avoiding moose-AIDS, thusly avoiding Robot-Sam, thusly saving the world.

Future-Castiel bid his former self goodbye and then he did his time travel magic stuff. Upon entering present-day heaven, was immediately greeted by Superrobot-Sam having crucified God on a cross made out of Japanese food.

Castiel swore loudly and inappropriately.

TO BE CONTINUED


	8. Arc 1, Chapter 8 - Canada Eh? pt 1

God had stopped whispering and gone into outright talking: "FOR HECKS SAKE CASTIEL. YOU SCREWED UP. I'M TIED UP TO A MOUNTAIN OF FRIGGING WASABI AND HE PEED ON MY RUG. THAT RUG REALLY TIED THE ROOM TOGETHER."

Castiel tried his best not to giggle, but ultimately broke down in a fit of laughter and vomited up one of this lungs (scientists later discovered that time travel caused angels to lose various organs).

"SERIOUSLY MAN, THIS IS A SIGN OF UNCHECKED AGGRESION. HE PEED ON MY RUG. PEE DARN IT, FRIGGING PEE!"

Castiel feverishly spasmed on the floor as he laughed and laughed and laughed.

"I AM YOUR GOD, I AM YOUR FATHER. I ORDER YOU TO STOP LAUGHING! LOOK, SUPERROBOT-SAM WAS NOT ALONE. ONE OF HIS STUPID FRIENDS TAGGED ALONG AND HE IS PROBABLY STILL AROUND. GO KILL HIM. NOW!"

Castiel stopped laughing long enough to look at the cross of Japanese food that God hung on. Castiel briefly fancied eating the cross, God and all, but decided to almost die laughing.

"SERIOUSLY, GO GET HIM NOW! NOOOOOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW! YOUR GOD DEMANDS IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT TTTTTT! NOW!"

Castiel straightened himself up and asked "Can I eat the cross afterwards?"

God sighed.

TEN HEAVEN-MINUTES LATER:

Castiel was running dramatically through heaven, in slow motion, while epic music was playing in the background, while dripping wet for no apparent reason, in order to reach his goal: The Spendecular Time Travelling Device that Superrobot-Sam used to get into heaven in a good time travelly manner. Upon arriving at the wibbly wobbly timey wimey thing, he discovered that it was not Bizarro Dean, but a completely new foe: Robot-Samandriel.

"Samandriel! I thought you were killed?! Shouted Castiel

"SALUTATIONS, MY DEAR HUMANOID FRIEND. I WAS INDEED KILLED. BUT SCIENTISTS REBUILT ME. I AM NOW ROBOT-SAMANDRIEL, EXQUISITE TEA-MAKER. WOULD YOU CARE FOR A CUP OF TEA, FRIEND?"

"Die you ugly freak!"

"OH DEAR." Said Robot-Samandriel as he pulled out a rocket launcher.


	9. Gaiden X: Interview with a God, part 1

(Authors note: While we're waiting for me to do some actual writing on this intelligent and wonderful and completely understandable plot, it feels write something to keep my fans (all three of you) entertained until I stop mucking about. It also serves to prove to people that I can actually write in proper English.)

**Moosepie Gaiden: The One With The Interview Explaining Where God Came From, part 1 out of uhm… 3?**

*cue TV-studio, with a Martian sitting on a lavish chair in front of an impossible being of magnificent glory and wonder. Next to that wonder, God is sitting.*

Martian: "Good evening ladies, gentlemen and Zorblax'xes. We are joined tonight by God, of Planet Earth, who is here to discuss his childhood, his career and his controversial decision to create humanity. And later on he will also recite a poem from his latest book."

God: *calmly and smiling* "Thank you, and greeting to all my fellow Zorblax'xes out there, it's great to be on TV again."

Martian: "So, I'm sure many of the members in our audience tonight are huge fans of you. Afterall, as recent as last starweek, the Jubmatal of Planet Eric Tion IV declared a national holiday in celebration of decision to kill off humanity again. But I'm sure people want to know where you came from, and how you became a superstar?"

God: "Well of course, it started back on Planet Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (a/n: that's pronounced Al-bin, by the way"). My father was a space marine and my mother was a lunatic who dressed exclusively in burning waffles. I studied at the Polynomial Institute of Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, where I graduated in Vogon Poetry. At the tender age of 238 staryears, I moved to Earth where I met a guy called Allah, and together we formed a punk band called "The Mighty Kebabs". It was a great time for all of us."

Martian: "But I understand that the band never made it big, and that you had to take many odd jobs to make a living?"

God: "Of course. I tried my hand at creating an intelligent species first, but whales never really caught on. Then I tried creating humanity…"

Martian: "And that's where it all went horribly wrong?"

God: "No. It went horribly wrong when I released the Bible. I mean yes, the humans didn't understand the satirical qualities of my work, but I still earned a lot of money on it. Sure, I had to kill a few children here and there, and there were those two cities I blew up, oh! And don't even get me started on the vampires and the angels! It was a crazy time for us all."

Martian: "But it got better, right?"

God: "Of course, I traded some of the humans to Allah and his friends and then I wrote Harry Potter. Never had to work an honest day in my life again. Great times!

Martian: "And then you banned robothomosexuality…"

God: "Cut! Cut! Commercial break!"

Martian: "Very well. We will be rejoining you in a few minutes, to discuss some of the more controversial decisions in the life of a superstar."

_Join me next time I feel like it, to read why Robot-Samandriel got a rocket launcher, why Dean should have a moustache and why you consider eating horses for dinner._


	10. Arc 1, Chapter 9 - Canada Eh? pt 2

_Last time, in Moosepie and Love in the Age of Apocalypse:_

"OH DEAR." Said Robot-Samandriel

"bleurg" coughed Castiel

"Please, do shove a pie into my pie-hole" we pretended Dean said

_And now… for the thrilling non-conclusion of the story:_

"YOU DON'T BRING A KNIFE TO A ROCKET-LAUNCHER FIGHT" said the decidedly humble Robot-Samandriel-Canadian-Kun.

It had been several minutes of Non-Robot-Castiel and Actually-A-Robot-Samandriel staring awkwardly at each other while they thought about cool things to say. And finally it was time; time to throw down and talk crap. Time to kick butt and eat bubblegum but have no bubblegum whatsoever so you have to kick butt. Deep down, Castiel had really looked forward to this epic fight.

Castiel looked at Robot-Samandriel in a sexy and awesome way that made all the fangirls watching at home rather aroused. Then he turned to camera to speak:  
"No, that's where you are wrong Mister Canada. This is no ordinary knife… This is the blade that will pierce the heavens! It's made from stainless steel with the blessings of the Judeo-Christian God himself. It was forged in God City by God and it's for sale for around 300,000 souls. 250,000 if you are an exclusive of an exclusive club. Also, I stole this from God's stash, so please don't tell hi-"

Castiel's speech was rudely interrupted by Robot-Samandriel launching a rocket right into his face. You see, despite being Canadian, Robot-Samandriel was also a robot, and robots have no sense of patience in the same way that Daleks have no concept of elegance. God was later quoted saying "THIS IS OBVIOUS."

Castiel merely got up again and dusted off his coat while laughing: "HAHAHA! You came here expecting an angel, but instead you found a mad m-"

Robot-Samandriel interrupted Castiel with another rocket to the face.

"INCORRECT", stated Robot-Samandriel, "I WAS HERE FIRST. YOU CAME HERE EXPECTING A CANADIAN, BUT INSTEAD FOUND A ROBOT-CANADIAN*."

Robot-Samandriels non-existent patience had finally run out. He launched one final rocket into Castiels face. The explosion was incredible, but amazingly enough Castiel stood up when the dust cleared. His sword was raised, that amazingly manly specimen of man had actually blocked a rocket with a sword. Robot-Samandriel, confused as he was, decided to fire a really tiny rocket, no larger than a shoe at Castiels face. That proved to be an enormous mistake as Castiel jumped up on the tiny rocket and rode it across the world while standing on top of it.

Two days later when the rocket had gone around Heaven, Castiel flew in from behind and killed Robot-Samandriel with a "Rocket Riding Robot Killing Globe Circumnavigating Face Stab" which was his special attack that he developed in a chapter that the author didn't write. It looked really awesome. Robot-Samandriels body exploded and his head flew into space, where nobody would care about it for a very long time.

Castiel finally returned back to Gods home. God was not impressed: "NICE STABBING NINCOMPOOP. YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME KILLING HIM THAT SUPERROBOT-SAM ACTUALLY HAD TIME TO DO SOMETHING VAGUELY RELATED TO THE PLOT. HE KIDNAPPED DEAN AND STUFF."  
Castiel swore loudly and inappropriatedly.

*It should be noted for historical purposes, that all Canadians are technically robots designed for furtrapping** and playing icehockey.

**It should be noted that "furtrapping" is NOT a metaphor for crossdressing furries.


End file.
